tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57948064185120668302012-02-16T05:22:17.201-05:00Sis. "K"http://www.blogger.com/profile/15298858991475297291noreply@blogger.comBlogger21100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5794806418512066830.post-53833081749227262142009-06-30T09:02:00.000-04:002009-07-10T08:52:49.018-04:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.clipzik.com/images/posts/michael-jackson-stranger-in-moscow.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://www.clipzik.com/images/posts/michael-jackson-stranger-in-moscow.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br />There is a plausible theory that is circulating in my mind, expressed by a relative recently, but has also been fueled by my gut feeling that he wanted some control over his growing negative image.. the negative press had been too much.. and it would be easier (in his mind) to let it all go... On the other hand.. I had a cousin die of lupus.. and that disease is terrible.. when someone with lupus gets sick.. it's an all out dramatic affair.. every cold is life threatening.. she passed away suddenly, and I also can't help thinking that for Michael, his lupus riddled body, simply could not handle whatever pain killers he was on.. this coupled with probable depression... :-(<br /><br />I've been a harsh critic of MJ over the years.. and can understand much of the criticism of those who are not very moved by his passing... I figured I would be among them.. but with his passing, I, in truth, carried a lump in my throat that wouldn't go away until I spoke to a friend one night and somehow, while rehashing my most fondest memories, I was allowed to let it out... The tears began to flow light and consistent... I was sort of shocked at myself.. then I realized that I couldn't compartmentalize who this man was.. He wasn't just some weirdo with unexplainable behavior.. but he provided not just the soundtrack to much of my youth, but he spoke for me and carried me through the pain and joys of my youth.. apparently he made such an impression, my mind won't let me forget what beauty and solace his talents/gifts brought to me...<br /><br />I wanted to be worthy of someone calling me the lady in their life... or their pretty young thing.. and I loved the way he explored the newness and beauty of male/female interaction in "Human Nature" He was better than a romance novel.. lol...<br /><br />He teased my fears in "Thriller" and even "heartbreak hotel" (which was always ominous for me lol)<br /><br />and voiced my anger at the pettiness of my elementary school peers in "You Wanna Be Startin Somethin'"<br /><br />He was very central part of my youth... I remember in the 6th grade, I was home from school, all alone in my darkened room crying to myself. I couldn't control all of the itching from chicken pox I'd contracted at a friend's sleep over. (mom was furious!). I was scratching furiously and terribly miserable. My body was plastered with calamine lotion, and I thought surely the itching would never end. I began to hear shouts in the other room. I painfully removed myself from itching coffin (lol). I got up, still itching, then wiped my tears and peered at the glowing tv screen.. There he was.. He was..floating backwards? Honestly, my tears ceased; my itching stopped; I gazed in wonderment...<br /><br />He and his brothers provided the backdrop to a central theme of my life when I just knew they were speaking for me when they called "me" a "dancing machine" and extolled me to "shake your body down to the ground"... and he gave me instruction as I realized he shared my fascination with the combination of magic/illusion and dance when he danced to "Billie Jean"... and the gravity defying tricks of "Smooth Criminal" and encouraged me to keep dancing with "Don't Stop Til You Get Enough" (I always thought he was talking about dancing, not until I got older did I actually listen to the lyrics! lol :eek: )<br /><br /><br /><br />I applauded his conscious efforts of "Remember the Time"... Iman as a darkskinned queen... I remember thinking.. "Wow, he put it out there like that! Thank you Michael!"...<br /><br />He inspired me and was a direct reflection of my own poetry at the time with "We are the World" and "Can you feel it"...<br /><br />He tweaked the exotic with "Liberian Girl".. and I was left to appreciate his depth and well roundedness... and I imagined myself as the girl to whom he was referring.. (*blushes*)<br /><br />and most importantly Michael understood my pain.. I cry everytime I hear "Stranger in Moscow.." My heart goes heavy as I listen to it now... The lyrics are dead on even to this day... "How does it feel, when you're alone and cold inside? Like a stranger in Moscow" A person who is in the world.. loved by the world... but not really understood or "known".. it's a painful existence to be surrounded by loving people but not identify with any of them... I keep thinking "he gets it"...<br /><br />Some how these memories flooded my mind.. It was as if they'd been repressed through all of the scandal.. I became disconnected as his skin became lighter and his features became more androgynous... In those days, there really was not that much information coming forth around me to explain this phenomenon other than "the cult of hollywood" taking its effect on him..After reading the legal accounts of his first trial.. and hearing the boys father admit to extortion, I felt sorry for him.. he became less a masculine romantic figure to me and more someone to pity...<br /><br />When I saw the video for "Bad", I laughed.. I wasn't moved to dance or mesmerized like "Beat it"... His moves were getting old and tired.. So I put him out of my mind as a has been...<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"The Way You Make Me Feel"</span><br /><br />But curiously, whenever an older song was played.. my muscle and emotional memory would send me reeling to that place where Michael was synonymous with "Magic" and I would dance tirelessly.. His genius lingered and held me emotionally captive... I will admit...<br /><br />And yet, in my compassion for him, I understood vitiligo... I understood lupus...<br /><br />But.. well...<br /><br />By the second child molestation accusation, I was steeled for more of the same type of extortion.. as I followed the cases and read the accounts of over 200 children who all denied any wrong doing etc.. etc.. It wasn't the case that killed my love.. It was Michael himself.. In his attempt to appeal to the public.. He revealed a part of his mind that killed my dreams.. He thought it was okay to sleep with children.. or have them over.. I was waiting for him to say anything but that.. I am a very rational person.. and most of the so called evidence against him was equally countered with reasonable doubt.. But nothing could whittle down the shock of hearing him say this.. not only that.. but the pornographic contents of his bathroom.. and.. and.. the part of me that loved him.. turned in shame...<br /><br />Apparently I've held both emotions in my heart.. but it was Michael's own weird behavior in public, his falling face.. His child dangling.. His marriage to white women with whom he seemed to share no emotion.. no passion.., his passion for animals... and toys.. his lack of sexuality, His eery child like confessions of love for little boys.. that pushed it down..<br /><br />But in the back ground even through it all... his later days were a shell of who he truly is to me.. In Islam we are taught that our true nature is righteous.. that the evil decisions we make in this world are not truly who we are... but are degradations of what we are supposed to be.. I love that about Islam... It at once chastises ill behavior and places blame where it ought to be "on your decisions" while recognizing the hope for your humanity.. and assigns righteousness to this... perhaps this is why the strength of his gifts are not completely overshadowed in my mind....<br /><br />Perhaps, in the back of my mind when he cried...<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Like a Stranger in Moscow" </span><br /><br />Maybe.. I've been hoping that the Michael who wooed me in my youth.. was still in there somewhere.. that the good part of him was not lost. or maybe I'm in denial and I long for a person that he realized he himself, could no longer retrieve..<br /><br />Perhaps I love that person and mourn his passing as the shell passes.. there is no more hope for him to recover..<br /><br />But his good works will not be lost on me...<br /><br />As I reflect on the impact this man has made on me.. I grieve for the next generation who are left with the likes of T Pain and Soulja Boy to express their emotions... Is this how their pain will be expressed?.. Their joy?.. Just constant admonitions of degrading s-e-x.. But then again.. perhaps the era of Michael Jackson has rightfully died .. Perhaps our folly has been to place too much expectation on people who are not immune to human frailty and weakness...<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfZz-q8CRLE">Michael Jackson- Stranger In Moscow</a><br /><br />~ Kia Beech<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5794806418512066830-5383308174922726214?l=khalliqa.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Sis. "K"http://www.blogger.com/profile/15298858991475297291noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5794806418512066830.post-81409922578626767282008-09-07T12:24:00.000-04:002009-06-30T09:16:12.703-04:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://blogs.glam.com/glamspirit/files/2008/02/healing-flower-image.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 425px; height: 282px;" src="http://blogs.glam.com/glamspirit/files/2008/02/healing-flower-image.gif" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br />Sigh... lately I've been slightly inundated with dialogue with sisters expressing their dismay over their relationships with men... I have been reading blogs where sisters are expressing their newfound love of self after giving so much of themselves to men that were unappreciative...<br />I am placing this in a blog... because... well... there are too many emails to respond to... and I want you all to know that I do not sit on a high horse and speak....please do not insinuate that I have it easy.. for whatever reason...<br />I speak coming through the same pain you do.... do not let my appearances of assurety fool you (for those of you who know me)... there is much weathered pain behind my smile...<br /><br />Any relationship where the man does not fully commit is painful....<br />which is why it is necessary to refrain from allowing our precious hearts to become engaged in such a situation as soon as we are aware of the possibility...<br /><br />But what to do when we have already given over our tenderness to such uncertainty?<br />We must develop the strength to let go.... the first thing we must do is allow ourselves to emotionally fear the consequences of being hurt over the sweetness of the presence of the person...<br /><br />For every comfort we receive from him... if he has expressed that he does not desire a future, we are allowing him to use the best of what we have to offer... our sincere love... until he tires of it (for the honeymoon phase of a relationship runs out quickly- this is inevitable)... or you tire of him....<br /><br />Sometimes we can even redirect our energy so that we do not allow that person that part of ourselves... not only take up a hobby... preferably a physical one ... but do anything that you know you can throw yourself into so that you do not have to think of him... I read... and pour myself into books and writing.... and crank up every CD I have...<br /><br />It is still hard.. which is why it is best to cut our losses hard..... and open up only to those men who want us truly... he will be seeking commitment... he will not be the one you stumble upon... he will be assured of what he wants in life... and he will seek you out as a serious potential candidate...<br /><br />He will not be hard to find... He will come to you... He will be ready for you..... for he will petition you with the goal of commitment.... and not offer you only the promise of time spent feeling good with you for the moment... by moment... by moment... until "he" decides he will honor your love....<br /><br />Save your love for one who truly wants it... and is not confused by it but will still allow himself to taste of it while he "mulls" over what to do with it...<br /><br />An assured man is the only candidate for our hearts...<br />Those words sound good don't they? Yes...<br />But in the quiet of our minds... and the stirrings of our hearts...<br />I know sister... we still want "him"... and not another... For we are built to give our love to only one...<br /><br />When these moments come... release this energy somehow... there is prayer... prayer may be meditative... it may be prostration... it may be tears and Ben&amp;Jerry's (erm my favorite)... it may music (another of my favorite)... or my all time favorite way to release the pain.. write poetry....<br />and then I read... and I listen to music... and I go into a shell....<br />and then I go into a cleansing... until the next episode of pain....<br />but I don't stop trying to rid myself of the feeling beloved..<br />when you allow yourself to stay there in such a depressed state... you go into depression and began to see yourself in ways that are untrue....<br />you are worthy to be loved.... we are sometimes too eager to give away our love to such beautiful masculine energy in our lives... But beauty or not, some men are simply too immature to appreciate and truly see what they have...<br />but not every man is so blind... trust...<br /><br />and nor do we sisters have to remain blind to our power to overcome such obstacles...<br />if we find ourselves in this predicament... we can heal our hearts... not with the promise of another man... but the promise that (God) has not abandoned us...<br /><br />We are not Hagar... We are the most beloved of God... We are His Woman first... But no man will see us as such when we give away the gifts of the fruits of our divine womb... to men in states of confusion...<br /><br />Allow these men to see the divine in us... so that our righteousness can pull on his soul rather than his loins.... Our divinity can feed the beauty of his vision rather than the confusion of his mind... We must not continuously feed these men the yields of our gardens when they have belabored not to attain them... they do not desire to husband the field... only trample through carelessly and pluck us until we are bare...<br /><br />We must stop nursing these brothers who seek to revel in our midst and suckle from our hearts but give us not the sustenance that we need...<br /><br />Wean these brothers off our land... until they are ready to settle there and do right by us...<br />Trust that we are not created to exist in loneliness... but nor are we created to exist at a semi appreciated status in relationships....<br /><br />(God) is wise.. and He is the best knower... and He speaks to us through our spirits... we must listen closely... and not fear that we will not be provided for properly...<br /><br />And in this way... we remain satiated with the love of a Supreme Entity... and we do not have to cry over the loss of love of one who has yet to grow.... He will grow... and We will grow... whether together or not, that potential will grow to become inconsequential to our hearts...<br />until the time is right for such a consideration... and then we will know.. and we will feel right about it... and there will be no need to call upon one another in our pain...<br />because our love will be felt by the right man... we will be honored.. and will be kept safe by a man who sees us at the core... and wants to fully love us back... and then beloveds...<br /><br />We can release the scent of our flowers.... the sweetness of our fruits... and the beauty of our petals... And he will continue to feed us his light... seed us our replenishment... protect our growth... and revel in the magnificence of it all...<br /><br />and we can exist in harmonic symbiotic bliss<br />:)<br /><br />~Peace~<br />Sister Kia<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5794806418512066830-8140992257862676728?l=khalliqa.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Sis. "K"http://www.blogger.com/profile/15298858991475297291noreply@blogger.com0